You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
