dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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