It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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