He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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