Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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