I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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