WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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