If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
only you would photoshop your dick
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
