so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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