I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
