The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Of course I have a pirate flag
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
