someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
