Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
