remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
