You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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