I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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