"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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