I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
