I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
