you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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