I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
