Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
