i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
