At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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