my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
