he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
