She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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