Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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