I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
