I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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