You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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