My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
