I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
