I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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