Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
