Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
