do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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