Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's official drugs can't kill me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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