It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
