Yo dont text me then not text me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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