So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
