the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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