At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
