I think i peed on brittanys purse
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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