Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
