This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
