hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
