I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
