Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
