You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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