yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
