You can't motorboat a personality
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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